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Greetings from Guam
Now, you are all probably thinking Yugoslavia right? Wrong. Well, then how about Iraq? Nope. We're talking the Big Red Machine. I am talking Commie Red. You know, red flag with a big yellow star in the upper left-hand corner, surrounded by an arch of four smaller stars. The big yellow star represents the Communist Party. The four smaller stars represent the peasants, workers, bourgeoisie, and capitalists united in support of the revolution. Chairman Mao ring a bell with anybody? Tiananmen Square? Ping Pong? Yes - China! Yup - little old Guam vs. big old China - its really happening. (I can't believe that CNN hasn't picked up on it yet. But I think I saw Christianarana Ammanlamanpourer snoopin' around yesterday. She's a wiley one that Amnalamanapoorer.) Anyhoot, the Chinese have been launching these hit-and-run raids on us since January. Problem is, that their crack troops are not well equipped and their navy...pathetic. So far, we have captured over 600 of their elite Amphibious Special Forces soldiers. Suprisingly enough, there have been few casualities (all on their side) and no deaths. Their tactics are really weird, or really...weird. They usually attack at night, when they think we are asleep - ahh, but we are not - ha ha. Their navy usually drops them off at the reef, usually somewhere in the southern part of the island, like Agat or Merizo, then they stealthily swim ashore - unless their navy rams the reef off Ritidian and trashes the vessel. Our elaborate network of Coastal Watchers usually picks them up and the word comes down to all squadron commanders as to their locale. Then, our Rapid Reaction Special Forces unit of the INS - if he happens to be at home when the call comes in - responds. When he, or some other half-awake citizen attacks, they flee into the jungle. We know a trap when we see one (and the smell of a piping hot bowl of Won Ton soup is the oldest one in the book). So, we call in for air strikes, artillery, and mobilize the rest of the troops. Funny thing is, that when we go into the jungle after them, they usually surrender pretty quickly. But we have been unable to find or recover any of their weapons - I told you they were wiley...no wait, that was Christianarana Alammananpourer, okay, so they are both wiley. We are convinced they are stashing their weapons in the jungle and planning a massive uprising once we get like a thousand of them camped out in tents at DOC (Department of Corrections). Seriously though folks, we have got a real problem out here with illegal Chinese Immigrants trying to seek asylum (or jobs) in the United States. Because of a loophole in the US Immigration law (or something like that - I'm a line soldier in this war, not some brainy, bureaucratic, analytical, pencil-pusher who knows all the details), we cannot deport them. It's a Fed thing and we have to keep them here until the big-wigs in the INS come out here, fetch them and take them to the west coast where they handle the asylum stuff. If they make it to our shores, they are basically in. The word is out in a providence on the southeastern coast (across from Taiwan), that if you make it to Guam they send you to the mainland, which is probably where they are trying to get anyway. Now, if we are able to catch them off our coast, like we did a few days ago (150 of them crammed on a fishing boat, eighty miles out), then we can dish them off on one of our northern neighbors in the CNMI (Commonwealth of the Northern Marianas)...say... Tinian for example. Even though it is an incredible burden on our local police force and on the DOC, where about 400 of them are (they outnumber the local prisoners), I feel sorry for them. And, I hope every one of them gets to live in our wonderful country. Nothing wrong with wanting a better life. My Irish ancestors wanted the same thing. Good thing they made it or this column would be called Greetings From Ireland and I'd probably be drunk all the time (you know them Irish), and my column would just be this ridiculous mish mash of the strange ramblings of a madman... Hafa Adai (Editor's Note: Computer problems have kept Jim away from our pages for some weeks and we are glad to have him back. The e-mail he has received from all of his loyal fans is much appreciated. Welcome back, Jungle Boy! - Donna) Copyright © 1999 |
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Please forgive me for my prolonged absence, but I was called up
from the Really Way Back Reserves and put on Code 3-A Double Secret Active Duty status and
sent to Station 4 in the valley near Cella Bay. Try to keep that one under yer hats for me
- if you know what I mean...and I think you do (wink, wink).