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Greetings from Guam
This was not the quote I had intended to include in my highly anticipated annual Valentine's Day article. I had a good quote about "Love" from some French loveologist, but I decided to shelve it for next year. The quote which appears here was e-mailed to me by a loyal reader. The e-mail read; "Jim, I ran across this quote and immediately thought of you. I mean, I know you like quotes, and well, it comes pretty darn close to a good description of your writings." I find it amazing how a simple little e-mail can make a syndicated columnist of my stature re-write an entire article. Yes, I said syndicated columnist. It seems that ANOTHER newspaper has decided to run my highbrow column. That puts the number of papers at three: the Courier Gazette, Clinton Courier, and the newest member, the New Hartford News. Although Charles and Cynthia Kershner, owners and editors of both the Clinton Courier and the New Hartford News, have stated that they are only going to print the really good articles. (There go my plans for a summer home in the Hamptons.) Well, enough about my growing fame and fortune, on with the maddness. I was reading the PDN the other day (Feb. 4) and came across a small article on good old (nine years old) Punxsutawney Phil. Among other things, it reassured me that the decision I made to move to a tropical island was indeed the correct decision. I couldn't understand why there was such scant coverage given to Punxsutawney Phil and this be-all and end-all holiday. So, I consulted with my research staff - my 4th period US History class - and to my utter amazement, only five out of twenty-six students had heard of Punxsutawney Phil. When I told them who Phil is and what he does for a living, it clicked with them. "Oh, you're talking about the Harmon Haole." At that point, I was as clueless as the rest of you are now. First, Harmon is a village here on Guam. Second, haole (how-lee) is a Hawaiian word which means 'white foreigner.' (State-siders are commonly referred to here as haoles. Some consider it a little offensive, but most simply accept it as a term for state-siders...the pasty white variety...like myself, for example). My first question was who or what is the Harmon Haole. Basically, it is Guam's version of Punxsutawney Phil. Every year - dating back to the early post-modern classical neo-Paleozoic era - just before high noon on June 2, a haole from Harmon is dragged out of a cave (where he has spent the last 364 days) by the scruff of his neck and tossed into the back of a covered pick-up truck and driven to the beach in Tumon. Once there, he is laid face down on the beach, with his wrists and ankles tied to four stakes, respectively. At exactly noon, his shirt is removed, exposing his shy, potato-white skin to the sun. He is kept there for an hour. At 1 p.m., they (event organizers) put his shirt back on, un-tie him and take him back to his cave. At dawn on the following day, June 3, thousands gather outside of the Harmon Haole's cave for the big prediction. They (local zoo keepers along with representatives of the ACLU) bring out the haole and remove (gently remove) his shirt...that's why the ACLU people are there. If his back is a deep crimson red, it means we will have above normal rainfall for the wet season. If there are blisters on his back that means that it will be a mild typhoon season. If there are geckos having a family barbacue on his back, that means we are in for a direct hit from a Super Typhoon. One major difference between Punxsutawney Phil and the Harmon Haole is that a new haole is selected each year - by lottery - as opposed to using the same haole year after year. I think it has to do with diminishing skin quality or something like that. This year's haole is originally from Minnesota...I think he will be a real "cooker." Next year is proving to be troublesome for the event organizers. They think the Y2Kokonut problem may wreak havoc with the lottery process because the lottery's computers run on the Intel 200 kokonut chip. They think the computer WILL recogonize the year 2000 and may select two haoles instead of just one. Computer experts from all over the island have been working on this problem since the mid-seventies and they think they might be able to solve the problem by December 1999 when the next Haole Day lottery is held. I will be sure to mention the outcome of this year's Haole Day prediction in a follow-up article on this most heart-warming local tradition. (Special thanks to Myk and Jefferson for their "mad" contributions to this probable Pulitzer-winning piece.) Hafa Adai Editor's Note: Jim is pictured here with pals, Petey, Trent and Hoover. (He took the boys out to the beach for Haole Day.) Copyright © 1999 |
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"He is mad past recovery, but yet
he has lucid intervals." - Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616) Spanish writer