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Greetings from Guam "It is always easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them." - Alfred Adler (1970-1937), Austrian psychiatrist. You wanna know about principles? I'll give ya principles. As of this past weekend, I have two new principles...make that two new Guam principles to live by. Though, as you are about to see, they are also global principles. Everyone should abide by these omnipotent mores. Principle # 1 - Never put a small plastic wading pool in your back yard if you live on the edge of a swamp, marsh, and or jungle. It would seem that the water in the pool draws the mosquitoes into one's yard. But when they get there and see you, they skip the water and opt for the Bloody Mary. You would think that someone with my level of education (on my third attempt at that diabolical GED test - wish me luck), as well as the hundreds of old mosquito scabs that line my body, would know better than to put a wading pool (for my dogs) in my yard. Yes, my back yard is about ten yards (metric conversion = 43 millikilometers) from a marshy jungle area. When my neighbor saw me filling the pool, he leaned over the fence and said, "You know, I got this principle about a pool in a yard that is less than 43 millikilometers from the marsh there." "Oh? And what might that be, Mr. Discovery Channel?" I quipped. "It attracts mosquitoes, you moron. If you fill that pool and I get bit by one mosquito, you're dead." (Hey, we take our mosquitoes seriously here.) "Sounds like a pretty reasonable principle to me." (He's bigger than me.) When I was a country bumpkin living down south in Inarajan - on the ocean mind you...Yeah Baby - we did not have any mosquito problems because the cool, ocean breeze blew them away. Now, I am up north living in the wind-deflecting megalopolis...next to a marshy jungle swamp environment thing...the mosquitoes are simply ravenous. So, if you live in or next to a marsh, bog, mosquito-breeding farm, jungle, or swamp, do not - I repeat, DO NOT - put in a pool. Not a big one, small one, in ground, wading - nothing. Don't even put the dogs' water dishes out there - make 'em come inside to drink. I don't even spit anymore. That's what really happened to the 'Lost Colony of Roanoke.' (If you don't remember the first British colony in North America...or attempt of one anyway...brush up on your history, you slackers. Oh, forget it.) Sir Walter Raleigh was stumbling around in a boat and he came upon the area that is now called Roanoke, Virginia. Anyway, he decides it would be a good place for Britain's first North American colony. Centrally located on the eastern seaboard. On the coast. Favorable climate. Fertile land...next to a swamp! Well, the story goes that Raleigh rounded up some folks who were desperate to get out of Merry Ole England, about a hundred of them - men and women - and sent them off to the malevolent wilderness of the Chesapeake Bay area. They gave them supplies: shovels, bush cutters, guns, and funny looking ill-fitting clothes (that are making a come back). Well, they survived about two years and, when the supply ship from England arrived in the spring of 1587 (I think...you look it up, I'm coming up with this stuff off the top of my head so give me a break), there were no colonists. Most think the Native Americans were responsible. I, ladies and gentlemen, am not like most. Here's a clue - it was summer when they set up the colony - a hot summer at that. You know what one of the first things they did with their shovel was? Yup, they built themselves a nice big Olympic-sized pool - complete with a state of the art Colorado electric timing system...exactly 43 millikilometers from a mosquito infested swamp! Now, you tell me what happened to those colonists! Do you see mention of a can of OFF or bottle of Skintastic as part of their supplies? No you do not, because someone in their haste to catch the boat, forgot the OFF. Principle # 2 ... I'll try and make this quick, that last one got away from me. I mean I don't want to keep rambling on about mosquitoes and water when you got the point a long time ago, right? I mean, why beat a dead horse - you know what I mean? It's like, enough is enough, let's hear about principle # 2 before we die of old age already. Okay, here it is. Principle # 2 - When you accidently cut your hand, get it cleaned up immediately - wash, disinfect, and bandage. Especially here in the tropics where it is really hot and humid, and bacteria loves our weather and climate. And bacteria and infection got this thing going on between them - it's just not a good relationship for all concerned. Now, what you DO NOT want to do after cutting your hand is to just wipe the blood off on the front of your dirty, stinky yard-work shirt and then go and spray the dogs with flea and tick killer and then massage it into their respective coats. It was only after the screaming, cursing, and the crying in pain had stopped, did I bother to look at the suggested principles for applying the flea and tick spray as printed on the label. Principle # 1 - Avoid direct contact with eyes, mouth and open wounds. You know, that's a pretty sound principle, too. Hafa Adai Copyright © 1999 |
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