swimguam@kuentos.guam.net

"No soldier ever won a war by dying for his country, he won it by making some other poor ]]]] die for his." General George S. Patton

It's audience participation time! You may have noticed that there is a word missing from the above quote by George Patton. The General used a bad word - I know, hard to fathom Patton using profanity, but it is true. (I deduced that my editor would probably not print the word, so, I'm going to let you figure it out on your own.) Here are a couple of hints to figure out the word that appears immediately before die:

1 It begins with the letter b.

2) It rhymes with mustard.

3) Take away the mu in mustard and put in ba.

Okay, I'm guessing that we are all on the same page regarding the good general's quote. Now let me just say that I do not agree with the quote, but from a practical military standpoint, it is logically sound. So, using your own deductive logic, you probably think that this week's article is about war or something like that? (Remember who you are dealing with here. I'm not real bright.)

I have a couple of topics I want to probe, but I could not find any related quotes to provide that smooth transition into the article you've all come to know and love. (I offer no excuses for my failure in this regard...except that my list of quotes is on my computer and my computer is at the shop being repaired...again. We have had some rather nasty thunder and lightning storms roll through here recently - which is great for appliance dealers and computer repair stores. So my computer got fried...again...and that is why I could not give you a smooth transitional quote. Some of you are probably thinking, "Jim, maybe you might want to invest in a battery back up thing. Did I mention that I'm not real bright?)

The two topics I want to discuss are tow trucks and dogs. (See what I mean? You find a good quote about tow trucks. The closest thing I could come up with was a quote from my friend Vinny from Brooklyn who once said, 'Oh yeah? Tow this, you *$# !*& %!!$+@ #*!!!!' But it's a more visual quote and I just didn't think it would fly in print.)

What about tow trucks, you ask? It's just a little personal observation of mine, but I think Guam has the most aggressive, competitive, and combatant tow truck industry in the world. I say that because, everywhere else I have lived, the only time I ever noticed a tow truck, it was towing a vehicle. Other than that, I don't remember tow trucks just cruising around or lurking in parking lots near a major intersections - that is, until I came here.

So, herein lies yet another unique aspect of life on Guam - our tow trucks. Actually, I guess it's more the drivers, and the strategies they use to get business, rather than the tow trucks themselves - but you get the point. We all know the stereotype of lawyers: money grubbing ambulance chasers - the whole lot of 'em (minus my brother and my own lawyer)! Well, here on Guam, it's not the lawyers chasing ambulances and other emergency vehicles, it's tow trucks.

Now, these tow truck drivers don't just chase ambulances, they out run them. Last May, there was a pretty serious car accident that I happened upon minutes after it happened. It was a two-car accident on Marine Drive (in Dededo). When I went by, some people were helping one victim and the other victim was still in one of the cars. Neither the police or fire department had arrived yet, but a tow truck was there. As I proceeded past the accident scene and continued south on Marine Drive, about a mile later I saw a tow truck, two police cars, another tow truck, a fire and rescue truck, and then two ambulances heading north - in that order.

Now, what I want to know is who gets to tow the wrecked vehicles. Eventually, at that scene you had three tow trucks and two wrecked cars. What determines who gets a car to tow - who is the odd man out? Is it first come, first serve? Do the cops pick? Or do the tow truck drivers get to pitch their company and assorted services to the victims? You know, set up an easel there in the meridian, maybe an overhead projector and screen. "....You see, our trucks are made from the finest Korean steel cheap money can buy. That's how we are able to offer such a low towing and storage fee. Do you know what month it is, Mr. Healy? Can you give me a nod? Okay, if you know it is July, just blink. Right! It's July! And you know what that means? Our Mid-Summer Spectacular Blow Out promotion is still going on...but only for a little while longer...till 3 p.m. today. If you act right now, Mr. Healy, not only will you get our super low Multiple-Car Accident with Personal Injury towing and storage rate, but we will also give you some model airplane glue and a rubber patch - both of which fit nicely in most glove compartments. So what do you say, Mr. Healy? Give me a catatonic stare for YES or recite the Gettysburg Address for NO. Yes, it is! Alright, good choice, Mr. Healy. You won't be sorry. We'll treat your truck like the mangled hunk of scrap metal that it is."

Okay, maybe I got carried away there a little. But the tow truck drivers here are an extremely aggressive group behind the wheel, especially when compared to other professions like teachers, crane operators, scuba instructors, accountants and Coca-Cola truck drivers. I think that, if I could get a grant to study tow trucks, I would find that, for every accident a tow truck is responding to, it creates an average of 1.68 additional accidents. Again, this is if I had the grant money to conduct the study.

It really is kind of humorous in a sick and morbid way (remember, I'm not real bright). I always laugh when I see these guys parked near busy intersections from 7 to 9 a.m. and from 4 to 6 p.m. Talk about vultures. I always wonder if these guys are on commission? I picture these guys sitting in their trucks sipping their morning coffee giving color commentary to the morning traffic at their particular intersection. "Come on baby, don't slow down you can make the light...come on...come on...damn! Oh, so close. Come on, somebody run a red here... let's buy papa a new pair of shoes. Oh God, what I would give for a power outage right abooooooouuuuuut................NOW. Damn. Someday that's gonna work, I feel it. Oh yeah, keep talking on that cell, buddy.....oh yeah.....yes....talk away...come on...one time for daddy....EUREKA! Thank you, God."

Well, those are my petty thoughts about tow trucks...I guess we'll get to the dogs next week.

Hafa Adai

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