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Greetings from Guam In case you're worried about what's going to become of the younger generation, its going to grow up and start worrying about the younger generation. - Roger Allen, American psychologist...(with a sense of humor?) Isn't that the truth? I mean, the kids today, when they are parents, they'll be worried about kids bringing nuclear bombs to school. So really, we have it pretty good now in our schools. And speaking of schools...yes that's right it's the Greetings From Guam 2nd annual Back to School Special edition. Public schools here will begin classes on Tuesday, August 2. So, take your seats, get out your notebook and pen, and let's get started. If you don't mind, I would like to practice my opening remarks to my students using this forum - sorry, but I am really pressed for time. Besides, I'm the teacher here, I'm in charge...well, me and Alexander Haig. But anyway, what do you think this is? A democracy? No way, bub, this is SCHOOL. Oops, sorry, got carried away there. Seriously, I know this whole practicing using the column is a real selfish thing and all, but it is my column. So, if you don't like it, you can go write your own article about something you'd like to read about...and then you can read it to yourself when you're done. (If someone does this and they think they wrote something good, please send it to me so I can plagiarize it - thanks). So, here we go. 'Welcome back, everyone, and welcome to U.S. History. I'm Mr. Healy and Ill be your host for the next 40 weeks. I hope you all had an enjoyable summer. Anyone get arrested besides me? Anyone go off island for a vacation? Wow, eight of you. You there, slouching guy...no you... no, no, the other slouching guy. Yeah you. Where did you go? Cocos Island - thank you, slouching comedian wanna-be guy (Cocos Island is a small sniglet of an island located 2.5 miles off the southern coast of Guam. How do I know it is 2.5 miles off the coast? I know because I swam it this summer along with about 300 to 20,000 other swimmers - mostly from Japan. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing for me. Some of the swimmers that I coach were entered in the 9th annual Cocos Crossing. And seeing that I had to be there anyway, I just jumped in - with little or no training since the 1984 Olympics, mind you. I finished 25th out of like 45,000 swimmers - again, mostly Japanese. It was pretty crowded there at the start, but I kept saying to myself, remember Pearl Harbor...Ill show you kamikaze...buy half of America in the 1980s, will ya? So, American workers are lazy are they... And, I did pretty well. So, that's how I know Cocos Island is 2.5 miles off the coast). Well, what I'd like to do first is get a refill on my coffee, but seeing that that is not possible, I would like you to tell me about your historic summer vacations. Ahh, not so fast, young Jedi's. You only wish it could be that easy. You are going to write it out...tonight for homework...3-5 pages. Hey, who threw that? You there with the gun, would you mind pointing that somewhere else...or better yet, why don't you put it in your backpack? If not, I'll have to take it away and then you can come pick it up at the end of the school day. Thanks, gun-totin' guy. Now, before you all get totally wigged out over this first day homework thing, I want you to know that I would not ask you to do something that I myself would not be willing to do. I am your leader - I will lead by example. Therefore, I will tell you about what I did over my summer vacation. First of all, I should say that I was kidding about the arrest thing - they didn't catch me. Okay then, my summer vacation was pretty mellow. I took some classes at UOG, fed and cleaned up after Mr. Demeterios' psychotic cat for a month and a half while he was in upstate New York, and I wrote a letter to all the senators, the Director of Education, and the Governor. And yes, I'm still employed. There, see, I sense a little interest as to what was in this mysterious letter. You perked right up there, slouching guy. And you, gun-toter, I see you have stopped twirling your Beretta 9 millimeter. Precisely. What could a low-life like myself possibly have to say to those bigwigs? Well, I got this idea in my head about having economics become a required course in all the public schools on Guam. Actually, it was an idea by a few of my economics students from last year. In my course evaluation that I gave my econ students last year, an incalculable number of them said it was the best and most practical course they had taken in their four years of high school. And the fact that a rather large portion of our islands' high school graduates go right into the work force, would make it seem like a logical thing to do. Many states on the mainland require a semester or full year of economics in order to graduate. So, I taught the basics: Allan Greenspan is God, the Fed, monetary policy, and interest rates, the stock market, the shiftiness of credit card companies, taxes, retirement accounts, how to start your own business, budgeting, supply and demand, fiscal policy, the wizardry of Reaganomics and the evil lies spewing forth from liberal tax-and-spend Democrats. That's all, just the basics...and they liked it for some odd reason...I think a few actually understood some of it, too. So, with these glowing evaluations in hand, I get all uppity and I fire off this letter. Now, here is the cool part, I actually heard back from three senators - namely Senator Vicente (Ben) Pangelinan. He wrote me two e-mails and copied me in on a letter he wrote to the Director of Education, which basically said that I was on to something and would he (the Director) look into this. ( I am being serious here, Senator Pangelinan is a good public servant - he's got my vote.) I got his letter last Wednesday when I went into school to tidy up my room and get my teaching schedule for this year. So, there I am in the main office and the secretary hands me this letter from Senator Pangelinan. I rip it open and read it with overwhelming pride - cool, I'm a mover and a shaker ; the go-to guy; Mr. Economics Advocate himself. (Allan would be so proud.) Then, the secretary handed me my schedule for this year: 1st and 2nd period U.S. History, 3rd period prep, 4th and 5th period U.S. History and World Geography 6th period. What's wrong with this picture, I asked myself? Then, I asked the secretary, 'Lucretia, what happened to my economics classes?' To which she replied, 'Oh, we had to drop economics. Not enough students signed up for it.' Let me tell you, that was an ego bruiser if there ever was one. But, as John Paul Jones said, 'I have not yet begun to fight,' which was really a stupid thing to say because his ship sank like five seconds later. Plus, I think the Brits probably noticed that he hadn't begun to fight because they were kicking his arse. I think he definitely should have started to fight right off the bat. As if waiting wasn't bad enough, he had to talk trash while he was waiting. Very stupid. Let that be a lesson to you all. So, that, in a nutshell, was how I spent my summer vacation...hey, will someone wake up slouching guy?' Hafa Adai Copyright © 1999 |
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