Our Hometown
|
|
Greetings from Guam By James P. Healy Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact. - George Eliot (1819-80), English novelist. Hmmm...okay. Hafa Adai Fine, wordy evidence it is. Are you interested in meeting the weirdest members in your community, but don't know where to start looking? What would you say if I told you that you could get them to show up at your door - in droves? You are probably thinking that there has to be a hitch somewhere right? Right. For the small weekly fee of $30, in the form of a 'roommate wanted' ad in your local paper, you, too, can get the weirdest of the weird to come out of the woodwork in throngs. And yes even a few may show up in thongs...of course the thongers will probably be overweight hairy middle age men - but, hey, that's what some weirdos wear these days. Well I'm sorry to burst everyone's bubbles, but even here on Guam, we have weirdos. I know, it shocked me, too. Here is my latest disastrous adventure. I live in a three-bedroom apartment with a couple of friends who are moving back to the States today. Rent is $900 a month plus utilities. So, either I move out or I find a roommate or two. I opted for the latter, so I put an ad in the Pacific Daily News. Here is what the ad stated: Tumon 2bd available $300/450 AC wshr/dyr free cable pets ok prof. non-smkr Bill at 555-1212 (That's a fake name and number for all you weirdos who missed out the first time - so don't bother.) Maybe it' just me, but I do not see where it said: Total lonesome loser looking for the weirdest freaks on island to be roommates. Good personal hygiene optional. Unemployed - no problem. 3 pack a day fiend. Call 555-1212 late at night or real early in the morning so you wake me up. This was the first time I have ever advertised for roommates (and the last, I might add) and it was but yet another shining example of my uncanny ability to learn things the hard way. (In layman's terms, that translates to: I am an idiot.) These freaks - okay, not all were freaks - would call and I would give them the standard info and then they would ask to come see it and then I would happily and stupidly give them directions to my domain. They show up, I stifle throwing up, give them the grand tour, talk money, then we part company, one party promising to call the other. Here are some of the callers who I ditched on the phone prior to setting up a visit: Two sisters - one with a 14-month-old baby and their aunt. Yes, all FOUR wanted to move into the two rooms (the sisters in one and the baby and the aunt in another). I could just imagine that; after six months I would be sharing my room with their grandmother and third cousin. A female called and asked if she could move in for just a week - for free. Yeah, that's what the ad said: Homeless shelter for runaway teens and fugitives. This call went well beyond weird...let's just leave it at that. Then there were the weirdos who disguised their weirdo voices and actually sounded normal on the phone and (naive me) I gave them directions. Hindsight being what it is, I should have picked a neutral location - like the Hagatna Police Station - to meet these people before I blindly gave them directions to my apartment. Let me give you an example of why you should meet in a neutral location first. This guy called and I gave him directions to my apartment. He shows up with his 'associate' who was not interested in moving in - weird clue # 1. The prospective renter was...well, let's just say he could have used a good bath...in boiling water. (You probably think that is a mean thing to say, and you are right, but your nose hairs weren't here now were they?) So, he wants to look at the rooms. The first bedroom still had a dresser in it with some personal contents laying on top of it - namely a check for $400. He looked around the room and then walked up to the dresser and severely eyed the check - weirdo clue # 2. Then he asked if the windows worked (the shades were drawn) - did they have screens and could they open. He then asked to see for himself - weird clue # 3. I was still clueless at this point. As we walked out of the room and into the other bedroom, I noticed his 'associate' eyeing my roommates' packed boxes, ready to be mailed. Then, the prospective renter wanted to see the back yard (this is at night). So, I open the kitchen door and he looks out and says, 'Oh, you have a fence. How tall is that?' Wait, it gets better. We walked back in and he then asked what that other room was (the door was shut). I told him that it was my room. Now get this...ready? He said, 'Can I see?' That is too stupid for even me to make up. I told him that it was just like the other rooms he saw except that there are some newspapers on the floor that I sleep on. I told him that I was a Buddhist monk in my spare time and that I was not into material things like computers, stereos, cd's, Cobra golf clubs, expensive clothes, and gold trinkets and bobbles. He then asked about a security deposit and I told him one was required and he quickly said that he could not swing it. (Oh darn! I was looking forward to sharing quaint dinner conversations with this lovely man). I asked what he did for a living and he told me that he was 'kinda part-time employed.' He said he worked for his associate doing 'odd jobs.' To which I replied, 'Take this place for example. Would this be a normal or an odd job?' This confused these brilliant career burglars. Just when I thought he could not make it any more obvious than he already had, he asked me when I worked and when would be a good time to reach me if he decides to change his mind. I told him I was planning on becoming a full time Buddhist monk and that starting tomorrow, I will be staying home and praying 24 hours a day. I think he bought it. (Okay, minus the Buddhist monk cracks, this story is true and, just like Dragnet, only the names have been changed to protect the criminally weird.) Hafa Adai Copyright © 1999 |
      |
