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Greetings from Guam "The rarest gift to beauty, common sense!" - George Meredith, (1828-1909) British Author I recently experienced what recovering alcoholics refer to as a "moment of clairity." My "moment" didn't have anything to do with alcohol recovery or anything like that, it had to do with my career as a professional journalist. So, there I was this past Sunday morning (6 a.m.) reading the Pacific Daily News, while pounding back a few beers at my favorite watering hole, when it dawned on me that the really big bucks in this whole 'column' racket gig lies in the 'Advice' columns. You see, these advice columns appeal to a much wider audience than, say, a simple humor column, and they in themselves are also humor columns. I have found that the problems people present to the likes of Dear Abby and Ann Landers are for the most part ludicrous. They are the print version of the Jerry Springer Show...alright, maybe Oprah, then. But the point is that Ann and Abby are not these incredible soothsayers or social-psychological Rhodes Scholars with Allan Greenspan-like powers. What makes them different from the people who write to them is that they possess something their readers don't - common sense. They make a financial killing out of it and they actually do very little thinking or writing. Here is an example of what I am talking about. A person wrote to Ann Landers and went on and on for four paragraphs (210 words) about her mother who is living with her in Hawaii and she (her mother) is getting all these soliciting phone calls at un-Godly hours from companies on the mainland. She rambles on about her mother being a night owl...yada, yada, yada, and having to take these calls herself, ruining her sleep... The person asks Ann why people on the mainland can't add and subtract hours corrrectly and tells Ann to notify all of North America that, regardless of when they call Hawaii, it is considerably earlier compared to where they are calling from. Signed, 'Fed up in Honolulu.' Ann's response to this 210 word litany? Five words - "Dear Honolulu: You told 'em." And she gets paid for that? Tell me I'm not in the wrong gig! And this reader thinks she has it bad living in Hawaii? Forget about it. I have collection agencies calling me at all hours asking for money, then asking me what country Guam is in. I told one person it was just east of Hoboken, NJ. She said; "Oh okay, I thought it was on the west coast." And I'm suppose to send my money to a company that hired her? But, my new idol is not Ann or Abby, but the master of them all - Heloise, of Hints From Heloise. I mean she is the bomb. The FBI should bring up Federal Racketeering charges on this lady. I do not know how widespread her circulation is - I only discovered her this past year in the PDN. Hers is not really a column per se - the PDN uses her stuff for filler. Heloise gets ordinary, red-blooded, somewhat-common-sense-filled Americans to write in to her with these 'neat and nifty' hints about anything (generally household stuff). She then makes some spectacular comment about the helpful hint like, "Good one," or "I'll pass it along," or "Makes sense to me." Now, here's the kicker - she then compiles them and makes books out of other peoples' ideas. Oh, sure, she makes some subtle changes and throws in some of her own doozies, but, to me, she is like a TV evangelist or a cult leader. People write in to her and she then makes a column and books out of their ideas - pure genius on her part and pure stupidity on the part of those sending in helpful hints. The best part of all of this is that the ideas are just plain old common sense, coming from people who have way too much time on their hands to be thinking about this stuff and then taking the time to write to this fruitcake! Sorry, I'm just livid with jealousy. Check out some of these 'helpful hints': Ÿ Put your TV remote control in a plastic baggie and seal it up (cut the corners for air to circulate) - this will keep it clean and crumb free. (Perhaps the person who submitted this revolutionary hint has some sort of rare germ disease and lives in one of those plastic bubbles? My suggestion is to quit channel surfing between handfuls of Doritos...and get a life while your at it.) Ÿ Keep a calendar in your bathroom (hanging inside a cabinet) to mark when you get a haircut, perm, coloring. "These personal care facts are most relevant when I'm grooming in the bathroom and I appreciate having them at my finger tips..." (It's okay, I got permission from Heloise to re-print that portion - we columnists are a close-knit community). Many of you guys are probably thinking that this is just a girl thing - WRONG. I tried it and it works. I used to forget when the last time was that I showered, shaved, and brushed my teeth, but now, with the calendar at my finger tips, I am showering, shaving and brushing much more often. My dentist has even noticed. Ÿ (This was not a hint, but a "Sound Off" as Heloise labeled it. To you and I it is just a regular old run-of-the-mill question by a person lacking any trace common sense) "Why do cosmetic companies recommend that after three months you throw away makeup to keep from getting bacteria? How about making a three month supply? This way it would be less expensive..." (Bingo! Hello? Anybody home? Marketing, economics, sales, profit...duhhh. That was my response.) Here's what the Hintmaster herself had to say: "You're right; that's why I like to buy small sample or promotional sizes." (Good hint Heloise, but what if this lady is REALLY big - like she has a face the size of Jabba the Hut? What then Heloise?) There are more, but you get the picture. Anyway, what I am trying to say with this article is that you can, and should expect, a format change in this column in the near future. I'm going where the fields are greener - I'm talking Benjamin Franklin greener if you get my drift. What about hints for island living? No one is addressing the needs of us islanders. I am thinking of changing the name of the column to Groovy Guam Hints, in which case I will need alert readers to submit their island living hints to me. You know, things like how to stop your car on a rain-soaked road that is made of coral. Or ways to keep track of your SPF 30 lip balm. Or possibly I will make this an advice column. Summer is rapidly approaching the east coast and many of you probably need some advice regarding the sun - you know, info on heat stroke, sunburn, sun block, sun glasses, UV rays, VHS - we got all the answers to that stuff and a lot more. Here is my first Groovy Guam Hint: don't look directly into the sun with either binoculars or a telescope. You can thank me later. Hafa Adai Copyright © 1999 |
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