Our Hometown
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Greetings from Guam This strange disease of modern life, With its sick hurry, its divided aims. - Matthew Arnold (1822–88), English poet Can someone tell me what life was like before there were telephone answering machines, car phones, cell phones, Call Waiting, and pagers? Okay, I'm not that young - I do remember life without all these modern communication gadgets, which I happen to despise. Of course, when I was growing up, no one needed to get a hold of me that bad. Okay, fine - so I didn't have any friends, I'm over it now. What I do remember is that daily life without all these techno gizmos was rather charming...and peaceful. Although I know deep in my heart that privacy is dead, I am not going to concede defeat without a fight. I bring this issue up because it seems that everyone here on Guam, except yours truly, has either a pager, a cell phone, or both. What really gets me is the number of students with pagers. Why do they need pagers? Perhaps many are actually part-time doctors who need to be on call while they are finishing up their high school degree? Maybe their mothers will need to page them to tell them what's for dinner and to pick up a can of Spam on the way home from school. Is it this way in New York high schools? Who needs to get a hold of students while they are in school? Can't they call the main office and leave a message like my parole officer does? Most of you are probably confused with my attitude on this topic. After all, I seem like a modern, twenty-first century type of guy. And, in fact, you are right. I have a computer and I use e-mail to send this column back to the east coast every week...well, almost every week - if the phone lines, power, computer, and e-mail server are all working. I also own a new Hoover Runabout upright vacuum cleaner and (get this) it's "Cleaning Effectiveness = 14.5 per amp." It's true. I swear. It says it right on the vacuum. (Though I'm still not sure what the 14.5 represents. It also says that it "Uses only 7.0 amps." So, mathematically, 7 amps X 14.5 something = 101.5 cleaning effectiveness. Which means that my Hoover is sucking up more dirt and dog hair than is actually there. I guess it is producing 1.5 % dirt itself and then sucking that up too!) That, ladies and gentlemen, is modernity at its zenith. Oh, I also have a cd player and an electric pencil sharpener. The point is that too many people - especially students - own cell phones and pagers. Looking in my address book, I have five numbers for my own brother - two work numbers, home, pager, and cell. I just can't fathom why anyone would want one! The only plausible explanation I could even remotely accept would be to have one of these to use in case of an emergency. Yeah, that's the same rationale I used when I got my first credit card - I've done real well sticking to that plan...three credit cards later, I'm REALLY prepared for that emergency when it crops up - assuming I have some room left on one of the cards! I have had people reluctantly give me their cell or pager number and then tell me that they don't normally give this number out except to family members. Then why give it to me, you nincompoop? It's not that I am anti-social, I just don't like being interrupted when I am working, or disturbed when my work day is over. We have an answering machine, but I never check it for messages (though I must admit that I love it as a call screener when I am home). And what about Call Waiting? What inconsiderate person thought that up? It seems that every time I move and sign up for local telephone service (here or in the States), I have to argue with the service representative about why I do not want Call Waiting - even if it is free. Am I the only person on this Earth who thinks Call Waiting is rude? I actually get excited when I call someone and I get a busy signal, I say, "Cool, no Call Waiting." That is the reason I am not married yet, I am still searching for the one woman out there who does not have Call Waiting. If you know who she is please have her e-mail me (I do check my e-mail - occasionally). Of course, the people you really want to have Call Waiting never have it - DMV, Radio Talk Shows, power, cable, Microsoft, and of course, the telephone company. Car phones...well, actually cellular phones now (car phones died out in the late 80's) - no one should be talking and driving at the same time - especially here! The drivers here are maniacal enough without having to be distracted by phone calls. My vehicle is my sanctuary, my escape, my time to be alone with my thoughts, the Grateful Dead, Bob Dylan, Neil Young, or whomever. I guess most people get these gizmos as status symbols (especially kids) - "Look at me, I'm important." Me, if I had a pager, which will never happen, but, if it did, and I was relaxing at the beach and the sucker went off, it would go for a swim. That you can be sure of. I have little stress in my life right now, why would I want to add more? This is a beautiful and relaxing tropical island...if it ain't broke, why fix it? Hafa Adai Copyright © 1999 |
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