Greetings from Guam
By James P. Healy  
swimguam@kuentos.guam.net

  If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

- Mark Twain (1835-1910), U.S. author.

And this is precisely the reason why I am not married and am living with two boonie dogs - Tasi and NuNu. Tasi is Chamorro for 'ocean' or 'sea.' NuNu is French for 'very new' ....I think.

Anyway, this is why I have decided to dole out 51 bucks for a 40 lb. bag of Hill's Science Diets - 'special high protein formula for pregnant and nursing dogs.' I am an idiot.

This is why I have been bringing Tasi into the vet for her weekly prenatal check-ups. They weigh her and say 'Yup, she's pregnant.' Then they charge me 25 beans for 2 minutes. But I feel much better about her pregnancy with these check-ups. I am an idiot.

This is why I am having a 'puppy shower' for Tasi - complete with printed invitations and she is registered for gifts at Harper's Veterinary Clinic and K-Mart. Besides me being an idiot, the point is that I have never been bit by one of my two stray boonie dogs....so Twain is right on the mark as always.

Speaking of boonie dogs, we really have more of a problem with stray boonie dogs than we do with the heinous brown tree snake or the diabolical fresh water shrimp. I have seen three brown tree snakes in three years, probably a couple of hundred shrimp and over a thousand boonie dogs. So, you tell me Mr. And Mrs. Mathematician, where is the problem?

We have a couple of villages here that offer residents reward money for bringing in boonie dogs. I think it is between $25 and $50 per dog. God, I wish we had that in my town growing up. I would be telling my parents every night that I was going out to go catch stray dogs with my friends. I would tell my mother that we were going to be helping them and they would be placed with loving and caring families. I would tell dad about the money - 50 bucks a dog. He - having grown up as a young child during the depression - was all for anything that would keep me from pinching his nickels. God, I wish I were like that....it's the movie, TV, record, and media industries' fault. They have corrupted me and millions like me...liberal live-for-the-moment spendthrifts.

Which brings me to the 2nd Amendment, Charlton Heston, and the NRA....get rid of them all. Heston's Oscar for Ben Hur was a fluke. All those paranoid NRA - 2nd Amendment- Bill of Rights - Michigan Militia Ruby Ridgers need to take a chill pill and find an island they can all go to and they can all guard it from each other. I think that would pretty much open up Kentucky and Tennessee to some type of re-population or re-settlement program. Maybe something like the Land Ordinance Act of 1785. For those of you who have forgotten your US History, too bad. It's summer and I'm on vacation. Look it up yourself.

The question becomes, 'Do we value our safety more than our freedom to own a gun?' That is the question at hand, not what the next freedom to go will be. 'Objection your honor, that's hypothetical and irrelevant.'

'Sustained.'

See what I mean? Look at our crime statistics on dog bites compared to say Canada's - ah, ours have to be higher. If they are not, there was a tabulation error - plus or minus 3 points. Here's the simple logic, Charlton. Guns are illegal to own in Canada. In the US, people are allowed by the 2nd Amendment to have guns. So, those with guns also want big mean dogs like vicious rottweilers and dobermans. And everyone knows that guns don't bite people, other people do...according to Mark Twain. Well, actually in this example, the dogs do bite people. But more so in the US than in Canada. Why? Because the guys in Canada are out beating each other with sticks (hockey) and not at home sitting around watching WWF, polishing their guns, and training their dogs to attack people. You people have to stop your stereotypical thinking. Think 'outside the box,' as we say in the writer's guild.

So, if we want fewer dog bites in our country, we must get rid of the 2nd Amendment. I told you it was simple logic.

Hafa Adai

Birth announcement TAMUNING, Guam - At approximately 4:30 a.m. on Monday, June 12, Tasi P. Healy started to give birth to what would eventually become 9 puppies. The last two popped out sometime between 9 and 10 a.m. Final tally is five females and four males - which if you count Tasi and NuNu (the proud daddy who is not even allowed to look at his children... mother is QUITE protective), and myself, our household is 6 males and 6 females. Which means I have to feed 11 others besides myself - and I am a single, working grandparent. Tasi and NuNu have never held down anything close to a steady job. (So, please put some money in the 'congratulations' cards.)

Thanks Jim

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